So much has been filling up my heart lately. That seems such a wierd statement altogether, because of course it isn’t actually my heart that is filling up, but it sure feels like it sometimes. It feels like when we have so much on our minds, that is causing the swirling, jumping, dancing, pounding thoughts and emotions, to settle directly in my beating heart.
The news, facebook, email is bursting at the seams with political stuff…and want to call it something else, but in case I have grandkids someday who read this, I’ll call it stuff. It overwhelms me, makes me sad, makes me pissed, makes me question. Who have we become? I’m not singling anyone out here. Who have we ALL become? At least “ALL” of us who I am exposed to…which is a lot of people due to the overactive communication. Was it really worse when it took a horse ride or a train ride across the country, carrying our collective thoughts on actual pieces of paper? Has the constant, total availability of communication REALLY made us better people? hmmmmm…… Again, I’m not singling anyone out here. I’m talking about me, I’m talking about you. Something seems comforting about sitting around a kitchen table in a small house, even a log cabin, talking with my neighbor about our differing views….and then maybe writing a letter to an Aunt Ethel who lives a long horse ride away asking her what she thinks. Having her read it, pray about it, talking to Uncle Bernie about it, her neighbor about it, and then writing a letter back to me and sending it on the next pony leaving town. I know I’m romantisizing the past, but so BE it. It sounds relaxing and simple to me.
I constantly seek the face of Jesus. The heart of Jesus. I’m not just speaking “Christianese”, I really do seek that, not often enough, but much more often than I use to. Actually, I have been asking for His heart a lot in the past several years and have talked of seeking His face, sung about seeking His face, but really I was after His heart. But maybe His face is just as high up on the list of what I should be seeking. Because the look on a face can speak a million words. I’ve seen the face of a person who seems sooooo freaking happy, fulfilled, content, secure change in the blink of an eye with a few simple words…”Are you sure you’re okay?”….their face says way more than their words, and you just know they aren’t. Their heart is breaking, but they have a thick, arrow proof wall surrounding it. It’s the only way to protect the blows from piercing, but a face will give you a glimpse what is really going on past those walls. It will show you what is really on the heart if you seek their face…ask them a question beyond “How are you?”.
If He was right in front of me I could see His face. I could see the change in His expression when one of the children that He loves is hurt. I ccould see His devastation at watching one child He loves hurt another child He loves. I could see the utter horror when this hurt, these hurling words of hate, unforgiveness, disgust hurled against eachother in HIS NAME!! UGH! It makes me sick. And you know what? I’ve been on the person hurting end. I’ve also been on the other side…the crap side…the side that doesn’t love, help, forgive another person in His name and that is just sick. It hurts me. It makes me grieve for that moment I chose that. And I know I’ll do it again, and that grieves me more. It’s why I keep seeking His heart, His face. Show me Lord, the change in your face when I hurt someone you love. Show me when I don’t want to be shown.