I fell in love with my now husband watching him read Dr. Seuss’s “Big A little a what begins with a?” A simple Seuss book that he read her night after night when she was 5 years old. I fell in love with the girl at least a year before, moments after I met her~it took Seuss to help me fall in love with the boy she called “Daddy”.
It’s hard to “blog” or even just write about March 22nd…it’s not as hard to talk about it when you’re with the right people, but it is hard to know who “the right people” are. It’s hard to feel safe and understood, when we don’t truly understand within ourself. I wasn’t “directly” impacted. What the hell does that even mean though? Do I need to explain myself to everyone I meet that I am grieving, but that it’s little grief compared to the big, horrific, gigantic grief that friends are going through? Do I tell them I feel lucky for not having the grief that my friends have? The grief of having a child that was helping search for friends from almost minute one? The grief of friends who had friends die, and homes and all belongings lost? The grief of friends who I love so so much, that had every bit of their lives shaken up and tossed around and they look nothing like they did before that stupid stupid day!! Their friends died, their family was put on hold because they had a job to look for friends, neighbors and strangers…their kids grieve for the friends they were just playing with in the days and weeks before….every single thing that was so simple about their lives was shaken up and spit out in an instance! That sucks beyond belief and I feel guilty for feeling lucky that it’s not me! Friends who lost their home, everything they have ever owned, but survived and are trying to restart, rebuild and figure out what in the world it means to still be here and how to deal with their grief, and the grief of their children who ask questions they aren’t the least bit sure how to answer. The grief of a dear friend, who gives everything to our community, her kids, my kids, her family….she lost her sister and best friend….and her little, cherished, adorable baby neice. All of this grief is beyond reason, beyond belief, beyond any type of understanding and it’s so far beyond what I think I could ever handle. What I know I could ever handle. So where does my grief fit in? The first day I drove my son to school and all of the white trailers, the mobile showers, the middle school campground visitors were all gone~I felt blindsided. I felt the depth of my grief, but I really couldn’t see the bottom of it, where it ended, how deep it was. I knew though, that the depth of mine was so so shallow. I had the little g grief. People I loved though, they have the big G Grief, and I don’t know how to help them out of it….because I can’t. I can love them, listen to them, give to them and hold them, but I can’t take a bit of it away. That sucks so bad.