Messy keeps running through my head. When a word runs through my head, if I don’t do something with it, it multiplies like bunnies. Soon, it feels like every nook and cranny is filling my brain with the word. Sometimes I journal, sometimes I use it for the book I’ve been writing for 13 years, and sometimes I blog it…and usually never post the blog publicly. I am fairly certain I am working towards a world record on unpublished blog posts. Sometimes I post them for a day, or an hour, and then pull it back…I worry I am posting it for the wrong reason. So messy even fits my blog. Cause it’s ALL over the place.
I remember the first time it kinda popped into my head…the Messy word. I was driving into the big city…where we have two lanes, a Macy’s, Walmart and Costco. I had all these to do’s in my head, worries on my mind, and a messy house to clean. As I often do, I started having an out loud conversation with myself…the kind where you are talking into the air, and anyone driving near you might possibly think you’ve either lost it, or are talking into your cell phone blue tooth thing…but not letting the other person utter a word. I was talking about being 45 and not having a degree and being unsure about what I want to do when I grow up….and how that feels scary and lonely and super messy.
Social media might make it feel more lonely, but really, I think some form of social media has been around a long time. There was even messy during Little House on the Prairie times. Imagine how Laura felt walking into Nelly’s house? She felt messy without her shiny shoes, perfect hair bows and store bought dresses. Going into her one room school house probably felt like social media messiness….it sucked. So, the messy feeling isn’t new, maybe just don’t go to Nelly’s house so much.
Messy can feel hard, endless and hopeless. Sometimes messy feels stinky if it’s dishes, unclean football gear, a rotting vegetable drawer, hair that you are trying to remember if it was yesterday, the day before or maybe two days ago since you last washed it. It can feel really damn scary when Messy is our marriage, our children, our finances, our world. Messy sometimes is your house, your bank account, your fridge, your laundry room, your car, your jiggly belly. It might be the lost relationship of a child, a broken marriage, an aging parent with Alzheimer’s, someone you love so much and they don’t love you back. It could be the loss of a friendship, a job, your memory, your health, your security, your house. It could be the death of your husband, your wife, your child, your mom, your dad, your very best friend. Whatever messy you are feeling, it sucks. It’s lonely, isn’t it?
You might be hoping I have something to say to wrap this up…to fix the messy or to at least put a bow on it, so it feels prettier. I don’t. I’m sorry. I do have words I tell myself all the time. I’m not alone in it. It sure as hell feels like it sometimes. Especially when I’m in self protective mode where I try to make everything look perfect, zen filled, sunny and not messy. I just end up feeling messier. So, just like you tell your friend who drops by unannounced that you are sorry for the mound of laundry hiding the couch….it’s okay sometimes to just admit that you feel messy inside too. You don’t have to go into detail if you don’t want…but find that person you can just tell the truth to. That you just feel messy. Don’t be hurt if they don’t know what to do with your messy or they back away a bit….maybe they are feeling it too. Just don’t fill your life full of people you can’t be messy around. I don’t mean that you should kick everyone to the curb…but do know your worth. Know that it’s okay to really just let those special ones in close who really get you and who don’t share your messy with other people.
If today sucked, if this week sucked, if your whole year, decade, marriage, childhood sucked….I’m sorry. I wish some things were as easy to clean as a junk drawer. I wish you could power wash bad memories away. I wish bleach, a vacuum, or those cool, freakish magic erasers could clean up all the messy. I know they can’t. Just don’t feel lonely in it for too long. Close your eyes and picture who you can tell a bit of your messy too. If you can’t think of anyone at the moment, take a drive in your car and pretend your very best, most understanding friend, who may or may not exist at the moment, is on your blue tooth speaker phone….and just tell them your messy.
And if you ever tell me that you just decided to throw away 3 whole baskets of unmatched socks, or a sink of dirty Tupperware after cleaning your fridge….I’ll admit I’ve done that too and we’ll laugh. Cause some messy is just that easy to fix and it’s good to know the difference.